What Do You Wish for This Year ✨

Good morning everyone and happy first week of the New Year!

This year I made more tangible goals than I have in the past… trying to instill some better habits for myself, while simplifying my life. The idea of resolutions is something I don’t like to talk about much; instead, I like to refer to resolutions as “goals,” which we can start at any time, not just on the clock tick of midnight at the end of the year. Growing up I was hyper focused on making lists for myself and setting goals that were very strict and focused on keeping myself “in-check.” I was so much in control of myself that I didn’t allow myself to play much. In some ways I feel like I’m living my life in reverse… When I was too young to know anything, I was so focused on becoming perfect, which was impossible, not because being perfect is an impossible feat for anyone, but because I already had to work twice as hard just to be average. I would spend hours practicing my piano lessons, reading the bible a lot and praying for my soul and the soul of others. On my cross-country team I would try desperately to keep up with the others, while also cutting back on food and going hungry a lot of days. All of these things were top of mind, trying to improve myself and “fit in,” while others goofed off and just lived. I guess you could say I wanted to skip childhood and just be a grownup.

I was a serious child. Deeply emotional, always mourning someone or something that was never mine. Even at the young age of 10 years old, I was afraid I would never find that perfect man to marry and my life would be over. I put a lot of my time into becoming someone else, while not even knowing who I really was. Looking back, I feel embarrassed at how my mind worked. Maybe that’s why I’m choosing to be free now and just enjoy the little things in my life day-by-day. Maybe having someone love me and want a future with me takes me back to those feelings I had growing up, and it has the opposite effect as it really should. I’m still trying to figure that one out. Maybe I’ve always been the kind of person who wants what others have, but when I have that same thing, it never quite feels right; so, I’m constantly grieving something I don’t have while not understanding why I can’t make it my own.

The past few years I’ve really learned to appreciate where my life has taken me. That everything in my life, the good and the bad, is a gift that I should cherish. That the bad isn’t forever, and that it will pass and beauty will follow. Life is a gift… and I’m trying to have that mentality of gratitude as I walk through life. Instead of mourning what could have been, I’m learning to sit in the moment and appreciate what I have. I’m learning to love the person I’ve become, rather than trying to be anyone else. The truth is, I love the person I’ve become. I love being my authentic self. I love not pretending to be someone I’m not. I love being able to speak openly with the people in my life who I trust. I love having deep conversations about what it means to be human, without judgement, just transparent observation.

What do you wish for this coming year? What do you cherish and what do you hope to change? Share your thoughts!