Happy Wednesday everyone! I wanted to talk today about something that’s been on my heart, and something I think we’ve all experienced at some point in our lives.
We’ve all been in a relationship, whether it be a friendship or romance, where we experience an imbalance; often times giving more... or putting in more effort than the other person. When you’re in this type of relationship, you spend most of your time thinking about the other person, caring for them and wondering why they don’t respond to you or reciprocate your love and friendship. Even if you don’t see them every day or spend a lot of time with them, the mental and emotional energy you spend thinking about them is uncharted. This can cause a lot of pain, emotional turmoil and deep sadness that, over time, can leave you feeling numb, joyless, and with feelings of hopelessness. When you have feelings of love for someone that isn’t returned, it can make you feel worthless and emotionally and mentally drained. One of the hardest parts about being in this situation is that most of the time, you can’t even tell the other person how you feel because they will either shut you down or change the subject. No one likes to be shut down and rejected, so you keep these feelings inside you, where they fester and can take over your life.
I wanted to give some advice and tips on how to navigate these feelings.
First, why do we get stuck in this vicious cycle of unrequited relationships? Why do we choose to love someone who doesn’t return our love? It seems like an easy fix: just leave and find someone who does love you. But it’s not that easy. In fact, it’s incredibly difficult, like breaking a habit or addiction.
Sometimes you might love a person because you’ve idealized them in your mind and become attracted to an idea, past memories you spent with them, or the prospect of what could be… rather than the actual person.
The first thing you can do when you recognize you’re stuck in this cycle, is take a step back to be alone and heal. Reflect on how the relationship makes you feel, and why…
Take time to grieve. Unrequited relationships often result in deep heartbreak and feelings of rejection. When you are emotionally invested in someone who doesn’t reciprocate those feelings, you can be left feeling worthless and empty, questioning your ability to recognize and feel real love in future relationships.
Stay busy. Do not dwell on the pain and heartache. Stay busy doing meaningful things that bring you joy and comfort. Find a support system and spend time with friends who will lift you up and be a sounding board.
Understand your past and present relationship patterns. Is this unhealthy pattern a source of comfort for you and why?
Personally, for me, I’ve never really been in a relationship where the person I was with had the same feelings for me that I had for them. Living most of one’s life in unrequited relationships can make it difficult to have healthy relationships later because you become so used to disharmony and imbalance that your body becomes accustomed to a state of flight or fight; and when you do experience real love, it can be disarming and actually feel uncomfortable. Your body and mind are so used to fighting and surviving that, when things are calm, at peace, or you’re in the presence of someone who loves you, you can actually feel uncomfortable and enact the same coping mechanisms you used when in an unhealthy relationship... and fight back!
How can you replace these feelings with something that will bring you joy and fulfillment instead of heartache?
Take time… Time to understand your needs, and how to become a healthy, positive partner and friend in the future.
Invest in yourself: your interests, hobbies and personal goals. When you’re in an unrequited relationship, you spend most of your time thinking about the other person, so take some time for yourself! What makes you happy and fulfilled. Learn to love yourself again and invest in creating a healthy body and mind. Take time to experience every emotion as it comes. When you’re in an unrequited relationship, you often spend time masking or numbing your emotions, but over time these emotions can become stuck in your body and unveil themselves in unexplained pain and sickness.
This was a heavy one... feel free to share our story!
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