Understanding Your Inner Child 🦋

Good morning everyone and happy Mental Health Monday!

I apologize for the semi-serious topic this morning, but I can’t always control where my mind goes. The truth is that these topics don’t need to be scary. They don’t need to be taboo, and they don’t need to be triggering. These thoughts, feelings, and situations are a part of life, and should be a part of conversations, as much as we talk about the weather. Although, there is a time and a place to speak about matters of the heart, keeping things inside isn't always healthy, and will often lead to mental, emotional, and physical burnout. Anyways, it’s my birthday and I can talk about what I want Lol

First, I want to say that we are all broken. We all have things we are ashamed of and things we struggle with. We all have insecurities that have been living inside us for years and have never been addressed or resolved. This shame and insecurity that we sometimes feel is often just our inner child trying to self-sooth.

There may have been a need for love as a child that you’ve carried into adulthood and into adult relationships. This need for love has left you with the need to seek attention, approval, and self-worth. In relationships, this cycle of familiar pain can often be mistaken for love. Personally, for me, I always felt like I had to earn love. That, for someone to love me I had to do something significant for them. I used to work outside a lot, chopping down trees, berry bushes, or stacking firewood… things you do when you live in the country. I would do these things, not only because it needed to be done, but also because I wanted to feel needed, wanted and loved. I did the same thing when I went to college on the east coast. I would work out in the woods with one of the Professors. I would help pull trees out of the woods and clear the area of debris. Try to find some organization around me, so that I would also have clarity of mind. I had to prove that I was strong enough, that I was worth something. I can see the repeated cycles in my adult relationships now, and how I often lose my self-worth, trying to please someone who may not ever fully understand or see my worth. I’ve accepted this flaw in my relationships and have begun to find other ways where I feel wanted, appreciated and loved. I’ve learned to love myself more ❤️

Having this kind of mindset around self-worth and love can often translate as emotional intensity in relationships; you find yourself like a character in a movie, that will get that happy ending once you’ve found and performed that climatic scene. It manifests itself in extreme highs and lows and with these emotional ups and downs you become so focused on damage control that you forget that real love should offer safety without unrealistic expectations, acceptance without conditions and validation without the need to earn it. You often replay the good times and forget the bad, becoming stuck in a cycle that romanticizes the past; while you hope for love, often what you really seek is validation.

This need for validation stems from a belief that deep down you believe you’re not enough and never have been. This internalized shame shows up in relationships as a striving for approval, blaming yourself when things go wrong, and surrendering your identity and independence to avoid rejection. This approach to relationships, while someone may often find themselves as the one who becomes attached, or obsessed, to another person, they may also attract people who become obsessed with them. It can go both ways, but the common denominator is the emotional turmoil and the need to find equilibrium, while also thriving in the center of chaos and upheaval. Familiar pain manifesting as love.

Human relationships are so complicated because we all carry within us this inner child that needs to be seen, loved and validated. Maybe that’s why so many people have decided to keep the company of animals: because they love without judgement.

What do you define as a healthy relationship? What do you turn to when the going gets hard? And do you believe you have an inner child just wanting to be seen? Share your story!