What is Trauma Bonding? Relationships are complicated, messy, confusing and hard; but when you add in layers of manipulation and abuse it gets even more complex.
First, I want to mention that being a victim of Trauma Bond doesn’t mean you are a weak person. It actually shows how trusting, empathetic and caring you are as a person and how you can see hope, in often times, hopeless situations. I also want to state that it’s extremity hard to leave a Trauma Bond relationship; people often say things like, ‘why don’t you just leave;’ and in response to that I would say, when you’re a victim of this type of abuse, logical things no longer make sense. It’s like being in an upside down world, where you try to make sense of twisted things: pleasure and pain, love and hate, good and bad, kindness and manipulation, often times go together when you’re in this type of abusive relationship.
“To be loyal to that which does not work, or worse, to a person who is toxic, exploitive or destructive, is a form of insanity.”
The entire reality of someone in a trauma bond relationship often defies their natural state. The people in these relationships are often highly capable, smart, successful and independent in other areas of their life. This is why victims often fail to reveal how and when they fell prey to a trauma bond, because it can be embarrassing and humiliating to admit.
Here are some signs and red flags to look for in a Trauma Bond relationship.
It isn’t always a purely sexual thing. It can happen between a parent and child, and in the past, it was known to happen between enslaved individuals and their Masters in a form of Stockholm syndrome. When this occurs, the Masters in the situation make the enslaved individual believe that they need them, and that they’re doing them a favor. This makes it hard for the enslaved person to leave when they finally are free, because they were made to believe that they need their Master in order to survive, and that they cannot make it on their own. A Narcissist often prides themselves on these tactics by placating their victims and manipulating them into a state of vulnerability and a false sense of safety and love.
Often times these relationships are fast and furious as when a new relationship starts and the abuser “love bombs” the object of their affection; while at other times it can be more insidious and take place over years of “grooming” the victim. Here are some signs to look out for:
The abuser is outwardly very charming
They are unpredictable between emotions and often blame the victim for affecting/shifting their mood.
They find ways to isolate you from friends and family
They fail to follow through on promises, including vows to treat you better
In response to these things, the victim often makes excuses for the abuser, saying things like: ‘he/she is just having a bad day,’ or, ‘it’s my fault I pushed them to it,’ or, ‘maybe I’m just overreacting. It really isn’t that bad.’
Victims react to this abuse by:
Using mood-altering substances to cope, like anti-anxiety/depression medication or alcohol.
Becoming numb to the abuse and therefore normalizing it.
Changing behavior to avoid setting off the abuser.
Concealing details about the relationship to loved ones
As someone who’s experienced Trauma Bonding, I have to say that it has many layers, is complicated and downright confusing. In a trauma bond, there’s abuse, devaluation, and then positive reinforcement. The abuser does this so they can maintain ultimate control of their victim and make the victim believe that the are actually loved and cared for despite the abuse. A popular tactic known as “love bombing,” happens when the abuser uses a manipulation tactic where they overwhelm you with gifts, excessive praise and constant communication. They may even call you their soulmate early on, planting the belief that your connection is fated.
When this happens, the brain releases Oxytocin, the love/ bonding hormone. Once this “love bombing” phase is over, however, the abuser begins to devalue their victim. This can leave the victim confused, as the script is flipped, and they will spend the majority of their time and energy trying to get things back to that initial phase of the relationship. This reward-punishment-reward cycle of abuse cements the trauma bond, making it extremely difficult to leave.
The victim of a trauma bond is usually unhappy and may even acknowledge that they are in an abusive situation. They may not even like their person(the abuser) anymore, but still find it nearly impossible to get out. Keeping the darker parts of the bond a secret from loved ones, minimizes the situation, while obsessing or reflecting on the good times plants the belief that it can be fixed or brought back to that initial ‘honeymoon phase.’ If you reflect on this early stage in the relationship, you tell yourself that you can have that again, that there’s still something there and that you can get it back. In a trauma bond relationship, love and pain live together; whereas, in real love relationships, pain is not part of the equation, neither is manipulation, conditions or guilt.
If you’ve been or are in a Trauma Bond situation, it is important to get help, not only for yourself but also for your future relationships. Often times the victim will perpetuate this trauma bond narrative because this is how they have come to understand love or see relationships. It has become their baseline and reality. Have you been a victim of trauma bond? How did you cope while in it, and how did you eventually find the strength to leave? Share your story!
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