The Loneliness Epidemic among Men and the Dating Crisis!

Happy Friday everyone, and happy holiday season!

I’m stepping out of my comfort zone a bit with this topic, but that doesn’t mean the topic doesn’t interest me. I’m talking about the loneliness epidemic among men and the dreaded dating scene. This has been a topic of great debate lately, and yesterday I heard KIRO Radio discussing the controversial topic with many different insights! So, let's get into it…There’s no question about it, dating sucks! I’ve never met anyone who enjoys it or comes out of this dark hole of confusion with their confidence intact.  Most of the time, it’s quite the opposite… with a dumpster fire made up of a bruised ego, a broken heart, a trauma bond or feelings of hopelessness. The struggle is real, especially for men.

Why is this?

In my experience from being on dating Apps in the past and from hearing horror stories from others… dating Apps don’t work. Just like anything else, it is a business, where the creators of these Apps want you to be a lifelong member; so, they send you matches with no real promise, all while roping you into a monthly cost and no real connection. That’s not to say that there aren’t outliers where it does work, but that’s the gamble… and, in my opinion, love should never be a gamble. So why is it so much harder for men to make a connection? Let’s start with the fact that men and women are very different and while a man may look for one thing, a woman is looking for something entirely different. The expectations don’t line up, and our society is often all about avoiding conflict and being passive aggressive in its approach to uncomfortable situations.  I heard a quote the other day regarding this very topic, and it went like this…

“It’s not that women have changed, it’s that society has never asked men to.” 

When I heard this, I immediately thought about how society and the rules of society have been fashioned by men and for men’s benefit. And with Feminism and the revolution of the modern woman, men just don’t know how to communicate and “woo,” if you will, this new version of the modern woman. Women don’t need men like they once did. Today, there are more women in the workforce, more women bosses, and women running companies, etc…Mens purpose and even, dare I say, their identity of being the leader and provider has been tossed on its head and is, in many ways, irrelevant in todays society. In the past it was easier for men to date because, not only were they valued as a leader and provider, but society also pressured women into getting married. Along with this mentality and the values that came with it, also came the double standard that women cannot or should not be intimate with a partner before marriage. There was an expectation to be married and bear children and that was the main future and goal for women.

Today, women don’t have to dance like men want them to, they have independence and autonomy, and the CHOICE to live their life as they please. Because of these changes, women expect more from men than financial support. Women expect men to bring something unique and special to the relationship, besides paying for dinner, etc...

When women don’t need men for financial survival, as they once did, being expected to marry at an early age and produce a family with a man that was meant to lead the household, they can decide for themselves if they even want these things. In other words, women can do as men have always done. This also goes along with the double standard that having sex before marriage, or casual sex, is considered immoral for women but not for men. I’ve seen a lot of single men who want all of it. They want to be married, they want to be a father, they want that idealistic family life living in the suburbs with the white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog, but they don’t want the modern woman, they want a woman who lives in the past. Sometimes they even expect to find a woman who is their age(middle-aged) but hasn’t been intimate with other partners or has a limited “body count.”  

The modern woman is too much to handle, and they don’t know how to communicate with a woman who has her own mind and opinions, is on equal footing with them, and maybe doesn’t want kids.  With all these insights into the dating scene and expectations of both parties, there’s also the role technology plays into it and how men have become more reclused from society; part of this may be that technology has replaced face-to-face interactions and real-life experiences, but also that men don’t know what their role or purpose is in society anymore. With women moving up in the world, becoming independent and doing the jobs that men have always done, perhaps men wonder what they have to offer and what their place in the world is. These feelings of being replaced or irrelevant, in my opinion, is just one of the many reasons why men refuse to put themselves out into the world and engage with women in a healthy way.

That all being said… in today’s economy, it’s also a struggle to have the extra funds to produce an extravagant date that’s going to “sweep a woman off her feet.”

I also want to mention that generally dating sucks because it’s full of “users,” on both sides. Men who use women for sex or to boost their ego and women who want a sugar daddy.

It comes in all forms and both sexes are at blame when shit hits the fan; but there are also those who are simply unlucky in love. I’m lucky that I’ve had mostly good experiences with dating or let’s just say I’ve had no really bad experiences. Most of the men I’ve dated have been really good to me, but you can have two good people who are dealing with trauma or trying to heal from past mistakes, and it’s simply not the right time. In the end we all generally want the same things: we want love, we want comfort and security, we want to feel safe and supported, we want our lives to matter to someone else.

I would love to have your opinion on this controversial topic. Tell me what you think… Share your experiences in the comments!