Stop Saying You're fine

Happy Sunday Everyone,

I’m writing this morning from a very low place. I’m not doing this to bring people down, but rather to let people know that it’s ok to not be fine all the time. As humans we handle great pain, loneliness and intense feelings in the dark. At home away from prying eyes and judgement, as though we don’t want to admit that we feel deeply. In yoga they say we need to walk through our feelings, let them come to us and truly feel their presence; as though acknowledging a friend. The truth is… it’s not easy. It hurts. Some days I feel like I’m being broken in two, like the ground is shattering beneath my feet. I had an experience last Sunday that shook me so deeply… and I’m still sitting with it. Everything I’ve learned, especially the last 5 years after becoming a massage therapist, is how intricately intertwined the body and mind are, and this connection is necessary to feel fully alive. But what it also does is allow you to feel pain so completely. Last Sunday I felt this. I went to a health and wellness workshop. I wasn’t really planning on anything special happening. I was tired and wanting it to end quickly, but what I didn’t count on was meeting someone who I’d met before, even though I may not have known it. I recognized him from the picture in my baby book, him holding me as a newborn. Well, almost 40 years later, I picked him out of the crowd of people in a second. I was happy to learn that he’s a runner too, and a very good one! He started running after he retired from his practice in family medicine. I knew that I would always regret it if I didn’t at least try to make a connection with him before I left. So, after a very lengthy speech from the last speaker of the night, some famous soccer player… I went over and spoke with Dr. Vleck. I didn’t say anything about how I knew him, and he didn’t recognize me of course… but while I was talking with him about running and things, I felt like the ground was about to fall from beneath my feet. I was shaking and trying not to fall over. I was having a very real physiological experience just from talking to this man. I know I would have probably regretted not speaking with him, but I didn’t count on just how much I would feel after I did. I’ve felt a mix of shaky, weak, numb and deep sadness ever since. Mostly, I guess, because I didn’t have anyone to share this experience with... I looked around at a room full of people that I didn’t really know and felt completely alone.

So, walking through your feelings is rarely a fun experience, and it doesn’t always heal you ❤️‍🩹

I guess what’s holding me together right now is my work. I work in a profession where I care for people all day long… which I absolutely love. But this week I needed someone to care for me. I needed to feel that love that I so easily give to others. But, as seems to be the propensity of my life, I pour love into the wrong people… the wrong relationships. I’ve spent years trying to love someone who would never love me back and I’ve never felt so empty. So completely disassociated from reality. Some days I feel fine, and other days I feel like my entire body is fading away. It’s a kind of grief; grief from the loss of something that no longer exists and grieving for someone who’s still in my life. So, after another sleepless night I will walk on… retreating to the things that help me cope; finding joy in the sadness ✨