I haven't written in awhile... and I miss it. I used to write a lot. I would put my thoughts into journals when I was a kid and teenager. After some years, I decided to put my thoughts and experiences into stories and then books. So much has happened the past few years that I haven't really had time to write everything down. Career changes, relationship ups and downs, new friends and old friends, conflicts, chaos, emotional turmoil and musings of so many events and people that have touched my life. I've been blessed in many ways, I've taken on more conflict and have dealt with situations I've never had before and I've made mistakes from not knowing how to deal with things and situations that were new to me. People have come in and out of my life. I’ve connected with strangers and become distant with friends. There’s been conflict, uncertainty, emotional ups and downs and feelings of belonging and loneliness. Sometimes I want to go back to that simpler time when I could just go away to the beach for the day and all would be right in the world again; but nothing is that simple anymore. Nothing is simple or black and white; and the more people come into my life, the more complicated it becomes and the more I feel like I’ve failed someone. Visiting family now feels like being on an Island without a life raft; maybe the simple fact that I’m not a child anymore and the place I grew up no longer exists, and the familiar people don’t really exist anymore either; just a distant memory that brings a tear to my eye, that I should remember it so well, while others forgot. When I dream, I see those close to me either mad at me or hurting me in some way, and I think, maybe my self-conscious is trying to speak to me from beyond the thin veil between sleep and wakefulness.
I won’t deny that a lot of good things have happened lately to; I love connecting with my clients as I develop my skills as a Massage Therapist. I love how open strangers are with me and how they share the intimate details of their lives, and sometime I share personal things with them as well. There’s something beautiful about connecting with someone on a universally human level. I ran into an old boss the other day and just seeing her brought tears to my eyes. I guess I really needed a hug to, because I hugged her twice. She was one of the few people who really made things happen for me at work back in the day when I was struggling to prove my self worth. She helped me go from part time to full time, so I was able to quit my crappy food service job. She would stop by my desk every day and ask how I was doing. She thought I had an eating disorder, so she would ask about that, and if I needed any help. When she moved to Texas we would talk on the phone sometimes just to check in. People like that come and go in your life, but they leave a mark that stays with you forever, and that you continue to carry with you as you move through life… always moving forward with the memory of something beautiful and impactful. I hope life finds you all well and that you find peace and healing <3
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