I was thinking on this topic tonight and thought back to the way I programmed my mind and body in my early childhood/adulthood. I grew up believing that beauty is earned; that in order to feel beautiful I had to exercise a lot, starve myself, deprive myself from pleasure, do things to earn love, etc. I used to go to Weight Watchers, except I was already underweight, running cross country and on a balanced diet of orange juice and no fat. I was easily convinced as a child, so when my kindergarten teacher told me about sugar bugs I believed her. I really thought that sugar was evil because it was riddled with microscopic bugs! I believed in the diet fads and the saying "fat makes you fat," so I cut any fat from my diet, good or bad. I believed that if I did all these things then I would be beautiful and worthy of love. Whenever I had a crush on a guy, rather than flirting with him and batting my eyes, I would do things to make him believe it. I would bake cookies, chop firewood, clean, or other menial tasks that showed how strong I was. I was so set on finding a perfect man to marry, or afraid that I would never be married and destined to a life alone, all at the age of 10 years old. Needless to say, I was an idiot, I was naive and vulnerable in the worst way. I had to learn through the years that its ok to be myself, it's to fail sometimes, and its ok to not be perfect... its actually a huge relief to know that I'm not perfect. I learned to love my body by learning to be comfortable being alone and learning to be comfortable in the pain and discomfort of change. I learned to love the way my body moved through running, dance and yoga. But because of the way I shaped my mind from an early age, I have always had an unhealthy relationship with food, or a discomfort eating in front of people or feeling full. Because of this, I'm easily triggered or become irritable or anxious when people comment if I actually eat a normal amount of food or if they comment about what I eat; so most of the time I opt out of eating around people if I can help it. I don't really like this about myself and I'm learning to not care as much or to be ok with letting my guard down or being more vulnerable around people. I'm still paying for the damage I did to my body when I was going through puberty, but luckily having a regular Yoga practice has helped me through some of the insecurities of my youth. Unlike running, which was very competitive when I ran in high school, Yoga is very much about coming as you are and loving the place you are at and trying to improve on your own terms and at your own pace. I'm finally feeling like I'm healing from the way I viewed food and exercise in the past and have arrived at a place where I enjoy what I do, and rather than punishing myself, I live each day in a way that I think adds value to my life. I still struggle with some things, but I can say that I feel the most comfortable in my body that I've ever felt, and the connection between my mind and body, though still sometimes at odds with each other, are more connected than they've been in the past.
How do you feel in your body? Are your mind and body on the same page, or are they battling one another? How have you healed from past Traumas?
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